Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We were destined to go to rehab together
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize