can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
