Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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