Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize