What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
