I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
