Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
