I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize