I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
