I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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