I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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