You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
