Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize