Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
