Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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