i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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