Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
