I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
