I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
