I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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