The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
