I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
