ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize