who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
