Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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