Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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