Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
