peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
