If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
