Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize