oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
