The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
