Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
