Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
