He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
