If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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