the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
