You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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