Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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