I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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