Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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