turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
