My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
