I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
