yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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