Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
