maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
