Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize