I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
