Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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