i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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