you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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