WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
