I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
