She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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