my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
