wat bout pragnant strippers??
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
