I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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