Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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