The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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