the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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