Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
