Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
