I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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