Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
