my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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